[Generic Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all the affiliated characters are copyright to Kazuya Minekura. No profit has or will be made off of this fiction.]
===
~Voice~
Summary:
(939) Can you hear my voice, Sanzou wondered sometimes; or does it not work that way?
Warnings:
PG-13, shonen ai, language
===
"You know, your voice in my head was always
yellow."
There were still leaves to be swept from the gravel courtyard, but Kouryuu paused, leaned on the broom and tilted his head to
look at his master, who had his back to a tree with legs crossed and hands
folded; his eyes were closed, so Kouryuu had thought
he was napping. Now, though, he saw that they were open, and watching him. He
smoothed his expression - he didn't like to show that he'd been startled, never
liked to show it when Komyou caught him off guard -
and picked up the broom again, setting its brushes to the gravel.
"Oh?" he said, affecting disinterest. "You know, if you said that to anyone else, they'd probably cart you
off for hearing voices in your head."
Komyou's smiles were physical things, things with
mass and weight; he could always feel them more than see them. "Yes,
probably," he said, and Kouryuu looked over in
time to see him raise a hand to his lips to tap them, once, twice,
thoughtfully, then dip in to run over his teeth. "Always
pragmatic, Kouryuu. Still, your voice was very
noisy, especially when you were young. Very loudly yellow. I don't hear it so
often anymore."
"That's good," said Kouryuu. "I'll
keep the whole thing quiet, okay? There'd be a huge scandal if Sanzou Houshi got taken away to
the clean place."
"Kouryuu." Komyou's tone was not
quite affectionate - it never was - but it was as close as it got, as close as Komyou could get to it. "When you find your special
person's voice, what color do you think it will be?"
He caught his lips moving into a frown and quelled the expression, ducking his
head down so his bangs covered his eyes. He gave the brush a half-hearted
sweep, then looked back up into Komyou's
smiling serene face. "Don't be ridiculous," he said, quicky and lightly, trying not to let Komyou
see how much the words meant to him. "I've found my special person
already."
"Have you?" Komyou lifted his hand, and in
it was a paper crane with little brown wings that curved to the sky. "I wonder
what color their voice will be," he said and, smiling, tossed the crane
into the air.
[~:.:~]
There was pain everywhere - head, chest, legs, even his hands ached and his
fingers felt like they were burning - and voices over him, and Sanzou wanted to sleep. But the low murmur of one was like
a burr in his head, stupid white noise like the various sounds of the forest
that kept him awake at night when they camped out, and occasionally a louder
voice mixed in with the lower one, speaking over it, gravelly and obnoxious
like the caw-cawing bird that insisted on starting with the rise of the sun.
And then -
light stabbing into his head, a voice, a cry -
"Damn," said Sanzou, startled into opening
his eyes.
"Sanzou!" Hakkai's face came into view, tight and pasty-white against
a blood-soaked bandage covering his cheek. "Here, don't move. I've healed
your worst injuries but you've lost a lot of blood and - Sanzou,
I told you, please do not move -"
"Hey, let'm do what he wants, Hakkai," said Gojyou,
kicking his feet up on a stool. He grinned at Sanzou
from across the room, waved a pack of cigarettes at him before taking one out
and lighting it. "If he wants to fall flat on his face 'cause all the
blood in his body's on the floor of GyuuMaOu's
castle, what's it to us?"
Hakkai turned away from Sanzou
for a minute to pin Gojyou with a stare. "Gojyou, please. I'll remind
you that you shouldn't even be smoking, not with that chest wound - " He crossed the room to Gojyou
and plucked the pack out of his hands, the cigarette from his lips and tucked
them both neatly into his pocket. "I would be so grateful if you all would
have a care for your healer's advice - Sanzou,
*please* do not stand up, you're being very foolish."
"Where's he going, anyway?" Gojyou said,
sounding politely interested, and out of the corner of his eye Sanzou saw him sneak out another cigarette while Hakkai's back was turned.
"None of your fucking business," Sanzou
said, mimicking his tone. He paused in front of the door, wanting nothing more
than to double up against the burning in his chest and stomach and the stabbing
in his head. Mental catalogue time - what'd gone wrong this time? Concussion,
broken wrist, several stab wounds, a few burns and bruises. Nothing too
serious, although Hakkai's moaning would always have
you think otherwise. "Where are we?"
"A hotel," said Hakkai, "that was kind
enough to take us in when we dragged ourselves back here. At least let me look
at your concussion, Sanzou."
He touched his temple lightly, tugging away the neatly-tied bandage (Hakkai's work, of course); he felt a gash, warm and
swollen, traced its path all across his forehead before pain arrowed his head
and he had to drop his fingers. "It's fine,"
he said, clenching his jaw against the pain that speaking caused. "Go
cluck over Gojyou."
He closed the door on Hakkai's quiet huff and Gojyou's chuckle, and leaned against the wall for a few
seconds, catching his breath. Wallpaper peeled under
one hand; the other was numb and hung loosely at his side - maybe that injury
had been worse than he'd initially thought. Sanzou
wished, for a brief second, that he had a mirror so he could look more closely
at himself; it was hard to put the wounds in all their places without a visual
image. He wondered how horrific he looked.
Someone tapped on the wall opposite him; then Gojyou's
voice filtered through it, his smirk an audible thing. "Oi, bouzou! Your monkey's
been crying all day. He's the only one gonna be happy
you're alive, so why don't you go find him already."
"Shut up," Sanzou muttered, and heard Gojyou chuckle and the rustle of him moving away from the
wall.
The hotel's floors were molding in the corners, and its halls stank of sitting
water and lemon cleaning supplies; the peeling wallpaper was dark, the carpet
might have been beige once but dirt and grime had turned it black. The only
light seeped in from the hotel rooms, from the cracks under their doors. Sanzou was glad; light would only hurt his head, the way Hakkai's smiling green eyes had and the color of Gojyou's hair, brighter than usual from the sun
highlighting it.
It wasn't the place you expected to end up at, after you'd saved the world and
all. Komyou would probably have had something to say
about this - something about low places being high and how expectations tied
one to the material world, or whatever the fuck. Sanzou
just wanted a cigarette.
The same voice that had woken him up thundered through his head again - not
quite words, just a strange sort of expression of them, like a painted picture
of wants and needs and emotions, all overlaid with earthy colors like the
mountains Sanzou used to meditate near - and Sanzou cursed, gritted his teeth, dug a finger into the
good half of his head. "Shit," he hissed out when the voice had gone
and the pain had faded a little, gone from thundering to merely throbbing.
"That little *bastard.* Crying all day, yeah right... I'll give him
something to fucking cry for...."
And then it came again - clearer this time, a bright flash of loneliness and
the ebb of a voice: 'Where are you....'
He remembered that question, had heard it often in his head when Gokuu was little. The little monkey was always being
punished or getting lost or locked in cupboards and closets; Sanzou wondered, sometimes, if he even knew he was
projecting, and then decided that he didn't (but that it was still annoying)
because no matter how many times he screamed at the kid to shut the fuck up, Gokuu never learned, and the voice never stopped. It had
been impossible at first; it had been like another person was living inside his
head. A whiny, frightened, sometimes angry person.
Then, strangely, he'd gotten used to it. It wasn't like Gokuu
was any less loud, or that his emotions featured any less in Sanzou's head; it'd just become background noise, easy
enough to ignore, like Sanzou did the monks' whining.
It was like - the kid was speaking to him out loud, telling him how he felt or
what he thought, but in a quieter way, in a way that Sanzou
could fit around his own thoughts and compartmentalize into its own little
section. He would be reading, and Gokuu would be
studying with Hakkai; there would be the words of the
book in one section of his brain, and there in another would be Gokuu's confusion, the occasional flash of words as the
monkey tried to comprehend what Hakkai was telling
him.
It had gotten less and less frequent as Gokuu got
older - as he got more independent, Sanzou guessed,
and as stupid little things like storms or snow ceased to frighten him. He
didn't miss that voice. Not at all; it'd been a grief to listen to. Still...
after a time, Sanzou had been completely alone inside
his head again, and when he watched Gokuu from across
the room - watched him pick at his teeth, or read a comic, or stitch his
clothes - he couldn't read Gokuu's thoughts. Only his expression.
Sanzou tried not to lie to himself. He hadn't liked
that second voice in his head. But... it had become familiar. Like looking at
your own thoughts, you didn't even consider that they weren't your own - that
was how he had learned to view that voice.
"Ch'!" Sanzou
pushed himself away from the wall, clenching his fingernails into his palm.
"I'm going to raise monkey stink when I find that little bastard."
[~:.:~]
Can you hear my voice, Sanzou wondered sometimes; or
does it not work that way?
[~:.:~]
The hotel had a pool room; it was open and spacious, filled with bright light,
but the tiles were cracked and rotting and insects and leaves floated in the
pool. Sanzou paused in the doorway to catch his
breath, pulling a face as he breathed in wet pool air. It settled heavily in
his lungs; he coughed, and Gokuu, who was sitting by
the edge of the pool, jumped and turned around.
Sanzou shifted at the look on his face, a myriad
shift of emotions: shock, disbelief, a bit of anger (what, that he was alive
still? Sanzou wondered dryly), then turning into hope
and something else that turned up his lips into a huge smile and set his face
beaming. He still looked hesitant, though, as he stood and took a few steps
toward Sanzou; and then he stopped, halfway, and just
stood there.
"Is it really you?"
The look on his face irritated Sanzou; he looked like
a lost puppy - or no, it wasn't that. It was that hesitation,
that was so unlike Gokuu who always took three
steps forward and no steps back. "Of course it's me," he said.
"What are you, stupid? I'm standing here, aren't I?"
Gokuu's grin widened. "It *is* you. Hakkai told me - he kept telling me you were going to be
okay, but Hakkai's like that and I thought he was
lying to make me feel better, because you were lying there in bed but you
weren't *there,* so I thought you were dead or maybe something worse - hey, Sanzou?"
Sanzou had closed his eyes to try and keep his
headache at bay; he opened them then and saw Gokuu
approaching him again, step by cautious step, until they were close together,
close enough to touch. "What, monkey?"
"We won," said Gokuu. "We're
alive." He was smiling so hard Sanzou could see
all his teeth.
"Yeah." Thinking about it, really thinking,
surprised him, and it surprised him even more to realize that he hadn't
expected to live. Sanzou paused, then touched his
tongue to his teeth and drudged it up: "I
wouldn't be, if it weren't for you."
The smile diminished a little; Gokuu cocked his head.
"Whaddaya mean?"
He had always told Gokuu he didn't want anyone dying
for him. It was true; had been true then and would always be true. He didn't
want Gokuu's silly sacrifices - it was adolescent,
melodramatic, and above all selfish. "In the back of my mind," Sanzou said, "I always thought you'd try to be an ass
and die for me. But... you didn't." Gokuu had
lived. They'd fought together, in the end; back to back, in step, both of them
alive.
Gokuu shrugged, looked a little uncomfortable.
"Maybe I would die for you, though. It just... it didn't come up."
"Try living for me." He wanted to smile at Gokuu's
expression - had you never thought about that, monkey? And he let himself, ever
so slightly, because anything more and his head would split into two.
"You'll get it someday. For now, don't worry about it."
"I'm glad you're alive, though. For a while... with how much you were
bleeding, I seriously thought...."
"Come on." Sanzou jerked his head at the
pool edge, the only clean part in the room, and hiked up his robes so they wouldn't
get dirty in this filth. "I need a smoke and I'm not going to be standing
up when I'm trying to relax."
He sat down and reached in his robes, frowning for a moment before his fingers
brushed against the battered box. Behind him, he felt Gokuu's
pause before he sat down, too, pressing his arm and leg against Sanzou's - careful not to brush Sanzou's
bruised ribs, or to knock his broken wrist.
I should move away, Sanzou thought; no, I should
*want* to move away. He started to, twitched a little in preparation of it, but
Gokuu lifted his mouth in a wry smile, reached out
and pressed his hand against Sanzou's leg. "Got
any beer?" he asked.
"No. - Wait. I've got some whiskey in here somewhere." While he
fished around in his robes, Sanzou eyed Gokuu's hand on his knee, noting its broadness, its thick
veins and rough fingers with jagged nails; he remembered, and it didn't feel
like so long ago, when that hand had been smaller, so small next to his own,
the fingers tiny when pressed into his. He shook his head and pulled out a
small silver flask, Gojyou's; he'd filled it up the
night they camped in front of GyuuMaOu's palace and
said they could have a celebratory drink together when they got back. Well.
Here was to Gojyou, then: a small celebration. Sanzou uncapped it with his teeth, pressed it to his lips
and tilted his neck back, downing the burning liquid quickly and swishing it
past his tongue. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve and handed the flask to Gokuu.
The instant Gokuu put it to his lips Sanzou remembered he'd never drunk hard liquor before, and
opened his mouth to say something - then Gokuu
swallowed, and gagged, and made the most betrayed face at Sanzou
when he'd forced it back down.
"It's an acquired taste," said Sanzou,
deftly taking away the flask.
"UGH!" Gokuu made fish lips, swallowed
several times, blinked very fast. "That's *gross*! Now I know why Hakkai says you and Gojyou are
killing yourselves. It's gonna make a hole in my
stomach or something."
"Idiot. Have a few more shots and you won't even
feel that hole, trust me." Sanzou
knocked another one back and couldn't suppress his grimace this time. It was
bad liquor, cheap and syrup-thick.
"I think you should stop drinking, anyway," said Gokuu,
leaning back on one arm and not taking the other off Sanzou's
leg; it sat there still, its warmth seeping into his skin. "What's the
point of drinking a hole into your stomach after all this crap?"
"I'm not going to get a hole in my stomach, you moron."
"Here, let me try again," Gokuu said, leaning
over and grabbing the flask. He held it under his nose, sniffed, made a face.
"Don't smell it. Don't taste it." Sanzou
nudged his shoulder. "Just down it fast. - I don't know why I'm letting
you drink," he said as Gokuu tilted his head
back and drained some of the flask. "A drunk
monkey is never a fun monkey, as Gojyou says."
"I'm *not* a *monkey,*" rasped Gokuu. "Stupid Gojyou."
"Stupid monkey."
"*Saaaaan*zou.
Why are you being so mean to me? I could have died! We could be nothing right
now! Zip, zilch." Gokuu drew a finger across his
neck, then yelped and scrabbled for the flask when Sanzou
grabbed it out of his hands.
"Two shots," Sanzou said,
shaking it to see how much was left (which wasn't much). "Two shots, and you're already tipsy. You'd think the so-called
Sage of Heaven would have a better head for alcohol." He took another shot
himself; it sent a pleasant warmth throughout his body
and soothed his headache, and made Gokuu's hand on
his knee burn. He shifted a little.
"Sanzou."
"What?"
"Saaaanzou."
"If you keep doing that, I'm going to kick your ass."
Gokuu just smiled - his little-boy smile, the one
that lifted his cheeks and crinkled his eyes and made his cheeks go a little
pink. "Sanzou, I love you, you know."
Sanzou scoffed, shook the flask again to hear the
swish of the whiskey inside it. "That's the booze talking. Lay off it from
now on or next you'll be telling Gojyou you love him,
too."
"No," said Gokuu, "it's not. And I'm
glad you're okay. Because I know you always tell me to live for myself, and I
do, but... if you'd died... I don't know, you know? You and Hakkai
and Gojyou, you think I'm a kid, but I know what I
want."
His hands were shaking; his nails clinked against the flask as he lifted it to
his lips and took a long, quick drink. "And," he said when he'd
swallowed and wiped his mouth, "what do you want, Gokuu?"
Gokuu smiled again - this one showed his teeth, sharp
and pointed, and Sanzou realized with a start that
that smile made him feel a little nervous. (Not afraid. He was definitely *not*
afraid of this brat.) Gokuu leaned forward and linked
his fingers together, popping them and arching his back, and said casually,
"You, of course."
He shouldn't have been surprised by the answer; young as he looked, and as
stupid as he acted, Gokuu had moved far beyond the
little boy he'd picked up on the mountain. And there was another realization,
recognition of the feeling that settled in his stomach at that thought: that he
missed that little boy. Silly and foolish of him. What
had happened to non-attachment?
What had happened to non-attachment? Sanzou didn't
lie to himself, and so the answer was easy. The bars on that cage had fallen
off and small fingers had wrapped around his, startlingly warm against his own cold skin.
"You want me, eh?" Sanzou knocked back
another drink, taking a moment to stall. He watched Gokuu,
who seemed totally unconcerned with all that was going on except for the way he
kept glancing at Sanzou and then away. "What,
you want to fuck me?"
Gokuu blushed. "No! I mean... I don't know...
maybe, but that's not what I meant when I said... that."
"That you love me, you mean."
"Yeah, and that I want you. I mean just - " Gokuu leaned forward and
put his chin in his hands, still not quite looking at Sanzou.
"I want what I've always had. To be with you. But
I just want *you* to admit what I've admitted."
"And what if I can't?" Sanzou asked. "Muichimotsu, after all."
"Muichimotsu is for Hakkai,"
said Gokuu, shaking his head and smiling a little. "Muichimotsu's for Gojyou. I know, you're going to tell me I'm assuming
stuff, but - it's just something I know. Like the way I don't have to say what
I feel about you. It's just *there,* in my head. Like the way I didn't have to
say anything out loud for you to find me." He turned to face Sanzou and leaned forward so that their faces were close
together, noses almost touching. "C'moooon,"
he said, smile stretching into a grin, "you don't *have* to say it, but
I'd think you were less of an asshole if you would."
Sanzou shifted away and snorted, fingers aching for
his fan. "Keep dreaming, monkey."
"I know. You'll always be an asshole. It's okay," said Gokuu, reaching out and tapping Sanzou's
forehead, carefully avoiding the bandage; "I know it. I'll keep saying it
'till you believe me."
Sanzou hesitated, then
closed his mouth around the words: I do believe it. I do know it. It was in
that second part of his brain, as easy and natural as when Gokuu
had first called for him. Instead he sniffed and said, "There's nothing to
say. You should keep your mouth shut so you don't embarrass yourself any
more."
"Not like I have any dignity to lose." Gokuu's
fingers were stroking his head, very lightly skirting around the bandage; Sanzou tensed, expecting pain, but there was only a light
tickle when he brushed over the concussed area. "Seriously," he said,
"I'm so glad that you're alive. And that we're both
alive."
"Most people tend to be glad that they're alive, yes."
"Are you glad?" Gokuu asked, tilting his
head.
Sanzou snorted and said, "That's an unfair
question when I'm drunk and you're touching my face."
"I do listen to Gojyou sometimes, you
know."
"Gojyou would like nothing better than to turn
you into some sort of sexual deviant. You'd better stop listening to him."
Gokuu grinned. "You would never have said stuff
like this to me before."
"Yeah," said Sanzou as Gokuu's
fingers trailed down the bridge of his nose, hesitating near his mouth.
"You grew up." He almost hadn't wanted it to happen, because then
things like this happened - things changed. So much, after
all, for muichimotsu.
"I," said Gokuu lowly,
"am going to kiss you now."
But he didn't, not at first; he leaned closer (and Sanzou
didn't lean away), pressed their bodies together, wrapped an arm around Sanzou's shoulders and let the other glide up Sanzou's neck to settle into his hair - and then he paused,
face close to Sanzou's, and Sanzou
could feel his hesitation in that place in his mind. *The things I do for you,
monkey,* he thought, snorting under his breath before leaning in and pressing
their lips together.
It was almost a physical shock, Gokuu's lips touching
his; no tongue, even - Gokuu'd grown up, yes, but not
that much - but it was warm, like their hands touching for the first time, and
it felt familiar. Like his favorite coffee mug with his favorite brand of
smokes. And when Gokuu shifted closer to him, wrapped
both arms around him and pulled him closer, jolting his tongue into Sanzou's mouth, that felt even
better. Gokuu wasn't good at kissing - his tongue was
clumsy and he was hesitant, hovering near Sanzou's
teeth like he was afraid to go any deeper - but it wasn't as bad as Sanzou had thought it would be. It wasn't electric or even,
really, sexy in the usual sense. It was just Gokuu,
all the senses that usually stayed in that corner of Sanzou's
brain mapped onto this, onto Gokuu's tongue
hesitantly touching his and the arm that smoothed through his hair.
How is it, Sanzou wondered dimly, that it feels like
I've always known you? That you've always been with me - not like this but in
the same way, chasing after me, refusing to let me let go of myself?
"Sanzou," Gokuu
breathed against his mouth, pulling away enough for Sanzou
to see his face, cheeks flushed with heat and pleasure, eyes at half-mast.
"You taste good."
Leave it to Gokuu to say something like that. Sanzo pulled him back, ran his tongue over the gap in Gokuu's lips, and when he heard Gokuu's
breath hitch murmured, "If you had a tail, it'd be wagging right
now."
"Monkey tails don't wag," Gokuu said,
"and I'm not a dog. I bet you're glad about that right now, huh."
"Idiot." Sanzou
knocked his head, affecting a glare. "Don't tread too much on my good
graces."
"Right," and Gokuu smiled in that
little-boy way before kissing him again, pressing close so that Sanzou was tangled in heat and wetness and the rough brush
of Gokuu's fingers down his back. "I'll try not
to, I promise."
[~:.:~]
It was winter when they arrived back at Chang'an, and
so cold as to make the air seem still and frozen; even the trees seemed to be
hugging themselves, leaves hunched towards their trunks. Sanzou
stepped on his cigarette as he opened the gate to the monastery - just in time,
as the door was flung open and a stream of orange-clothed monks spilled out,
chattering like monkeys as they grouped around him and Gokuu.
"Be quiet," said Sanzou a few times, but
they only kept talking - Sanzou-sama we can't believe
you're alive, Sanzou-sama we hear you stopped the
Minus Wave, Sanzou-sama the Three Aspects want to
speak to you, Sanzou-sama you must teach us about
your journeys as soon as you're rested! He ground his teeth together, cracked
his fan against his palm and said, when they had all fallen into a wide-eyed
silence, "I won't be teaching. I won't be staying, either."
Two of the more senior monks glanced at each other, and one - the elder - said,
in that gentle mild Buddhist manner, "Sanzou-sama,
you must be tired - and Gokuu-kun must be, as
well." (At this, several of the monks gave each other significant - and
very non-Buddhist - looks.) "Please, you should come in and rest, meditate
before you make any decisions."
"We're leaving," said Sanzou. "Kindly
inform the Three Aspects that I will be living near
He turned his back to the monastery, to their stunned silence, and raised his
eyebrows when Gokuu grinned and fell into step beside
him. His fingertips were going numb; he tucked them into the crooks of his
elbows as they walked away from Chang'an. Gokuu brushed against him, knocking their hips together,
and mimicked Sanzou's disapproving expression as he
said, "Did you see the looks on their faces? I don't think you should even
have gone back. Just let them stew and wonder where their precious Sanzou-sama went."
"Yeah, well." Sanzou let himself smile a
little. "Then we would have missed the way their mouths dropped. They
looked like landed fish."
"Too bad they've taken vows of chastity, huh?"
Sanzou pressed his lips tightly together - didn't
want to look like what he'd just been making fun of, after all - and had very
hard work not to smile any wider. "You," he said, "are a lewd
and bad monkey."
"I know. But you love me for it, right?"
"Don't tread on my good graces, remember," said Sanzou,
swapping him lightly with his fan; but Gokuu just
laughed.
[~:.:~]
Their house by the mountain had a river next to it. When spring was opening the
flower buds and putting new leaves on the trees, and ice was melting from their
house and from off the ground, they hiked to the riverbank and sat down on the
new soft grass. Sanzou untangled a string of prayer
beads from his wrist and dangled them above the water, and paused for a second,
looking at them thoughtfully.
"Do you know what my real name is?"
Gokuu blinked, looking up from his lunch. "Huh?
It's Sanzou."
"Stupid," Sanzou snorted. "That's my
title, not my name. It's Kouryuu. Komyou
Sanzou named me that."
For once, Gokuu didn't say anything. He had divided
the lunchbox evenly; he handed Sanzou his portion and
sat with his own, chopsticks poised over the meal, eyes intent on Sanzou.
Sanzou clicked the beads together, watching them
tumble against one another. "They used to call me Drowning Kouryuu when I was young. Because I'd
been plucked out of the river."
"I like Sanzou better, anyway," said
Gokuu.
Sanzou dropped the beads into the river. He watched
them, but only for a few seconds before they were swept underwater and out of
his sight. He kept his eye on the river for a few more minutes - wondering
which way they'd gone - then shrugged and turned to Gokuu,
clicked their chopsticks together in a solemn toast and began to eat.
[~:.:~]
[~owari~]