[Generic Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all the affiliated characters are copyright to Kazuya Minekura. No profit has or will be made off of this fiction.]

===

~Never Sleep, Never Die~

Summary:

(hinted Konzen x Goku) 'I don't remember any dreams last night, so that must mean I was happy. Do you ever remember your dreams, Konzen? '

Warnings:
PG-13; mild language, very mild shounen ai, fluff

===

It was the damned pain that woke him up. It wasn't uncommon. In fact, it was prone to happen anywhere from two to four times a week, though that didn't make it any less annoying. Konzen Douji awoke biting back a curse, keeping his eyes shut as he fought the urge to curl up in attempt to quell the pain. He'd found that doing that usually only made it intensify. He stretched his leg out, managing to keep perfectly silent until the temporary agony had faded to almost nothing.

The first time it had happened he hadn't been unable to restrain a cry of pain. However, he had quickly learned how to deal with the sudden muscle cramps. They always seized his calf, always trying to wring the muscles so that the horrible sensation was almost unbearable. He learned that drawing into himself only increased the pain, and he learned that stretching out was the only way to make it go away.

That first time had awoken Goku, a heretic child that was a 'pet' of sorts. He had panicked, asking if Konzen was all right. Did he have a stomach ache? Had he eaten something weird? Was he dying? After he had gotten it under control, Konzen had immediately told the boy to go back to bed. When asked the next morning, he had told Goku it had been his fault for causing him pain in the first place. That hadn't gone over very well, if he remembered correctly.

It took Konzen a minute to realize that he was the only one in the room keeping silent.

At first the constant shifting and sounds of something akin to clawless scratches made him scowl in annoyance. It took a few moments of listening to catch the almost inaudible whimpers that set off the alarms in the deity's head.

He turned over and propped himself up onto his elbows. His neck strained awkwardly, so he had to push all the way up to be able to look into the darkness. His eyes adjusted quickly and followed the sounds to the other side of the room. Unsurprisingly, the odd sounds were coming from a small form lying on a cot in that direction. Arms and legs were twisted and tangled in the sheets. The shifting was because of the constant brushing of cloth. The light scratching noises were the sounds of fingers clawing at the sheets. The muffled whimpers came from the boy entangled in them.

Perhaps the monkey child was playing a game. It wouldn't have been the first time, though it was an odd way to carry the game out. "You stupid monkey," Konzen hissed. "Knock it off."

Rather than quieting the sounds, Konzen's voice only seemed to aggravate Goku. The boy twisted suddenly, rolling right off the cot and onto the floor. The violent movement made Konzen start. The whimpers grew into small cries.

A nightmare, Konzen realized, shoving the covers off. He was reluctant to touch the boy -- physical contact made him uneasy for some reason -- but he wasn't sure how to deal with a child having a bad dream. It was probably something silly, but the emotions Goku was going through would obviously feel horribly real to him.

He knelt beside the boy, attempting to still him and untangle him from the sheets. All he managed to do was get kicked; Goku's foot narrowly missed his face and landed on his shoulder. Konzen winced. "Stupid monkey," he snarled in frustration, feeling pain swell around his collarbone. Giving up on trying any gentler approach, he managed to grab a hold of Goku by the elbow and shoulder and give him a violent shake. "Wake up!"

That was when Goku screamed. The sound was short but loud, shrill, and piercing. Konzen actually fell backward from sheer surprise. Goku lashed out violently, screaming something incomprehensible. It was a good thing Konzen had fallen back, otherwise the boy's flailing limbs would have hit him.

What the hell? That was the only surprised thought that passed through the god's mind. That was before the disturbing realization that Goku's cries sounded similar to his, Tenpou, and Kenren's names hit him. Damn.

He was, annoyingly enough, at a loss for how to react, but Goku solved his dilemma by waking up on his own. He suddenly froze, his eyes snapping open, staring ahead at Konzen, yet seeing absolutely nothing. The sight gave Konzen cold chills.

Goku's sight never quite focused. Disjointed mumbles fell from slack lips, until at last the boy was finally able to croak, "Konzen..."

The reply, "What?" fell out before Konzen could stop to think about it. It had become an automatic response. If Goku called him, he would answer immediately. Even when he was in a foul mood, he would respond to let the boy know he was listening.

Goku tilted his head back a little, his eyes slowly coming into focus. His hand wrestled its way from the tangled sheets, grasping the first thing it came in contact with. Konzen's first reaction was to dislodge the fingers from his pants, but when Goku's grip changed to clasp his hand, he found himself pulling the boy up. Goku latched on to him at once, burying his face in the blonde deity's shirt.

"Don't go," he whispered desperately. "Don't go, don't go, don't..."

Konzen closed his eyes briefly. "I'm not going anywhere."

Goku's embrace was painful. "They'll die... Konzen will die... don't..."

Konzen frowned, wishing he had chosen a more comfortable position to sit in before he had pulled the boy up. His leg was falling asleep. "What are you talking about?" He had figured Goku was having a silly nightmare, but he was talking about death. What the hell could have triggered that?

"Blood everywhere..." Goku's small voice sounded choked and frightened; it hardly sounded like him at all. "All over... they were happy... and Konzen..."

It was beyond unnerving now. "I'm right here, Goku."

Goku shivered. "They'll kill him..."

Grimacing, Konzen shifted so that he could stand, cradling Goku with unnatural care. "Shut up," he said quietly, laying him on the bed. "Go to sleep."

The golden eyes slid shut. "Stay...?"

As if he had a choice. Konzen crawled into bed beside the boy, trying in vain not to touch him. Goku seemed oblivious to his attempts, because his eyes slid halfway open and he reached out to touch some of the blonde deity's long hair. He began to pet it, tangling his small fingers in it. "Konzen..."

"What now?"

He said nothing. Goku gave a tiny smile before he drifted off, still clinging to the god's hair. Try as he might, Konzen wasn't able to dislodge the hold without ripping his own hair. After deciding enough of that had happened in his lifetime, he gave in.

After that strange event, Konzen had a hard time falling asleep again. Was this the first time Goku had this nightmare? What exactly was it? What had he meant by "them" dying?

Much to his frustration, he had no good answers. Perhaps he was too tired to think about it. That would have to wait until morning... and maybe then he could get some answers out of the boy.

 [~:.:~]

Normally he found it disturbing enough that Goku could wake up so early and still have so much energy even before bed by the end of the day. The kid was a real bundle of energy; it seemed as though he would never run out.

However, Konzen found it even more disturbing on this particular morning. As he bound his hair back, he kept a close eye on the boy, searching for any signs of last night being real. Konzen was only sure of that when he had awakened to Goku's squirming out of bed (actually, Konzen's arms had somehow found their way around the boy, but he was loath to admit it) and bouncing around the room in his usual happy, excited fashion. This continued until Konzen, finally grown irritated by all the noise, had thrown a pillow at Goku to shut him up. After that it was impossible to get back to sleep.

Konzen glared in Goku's direction. "Hey, monkey."

"Eh?" Goku glanced his way, blinking. If he hadn't been so irritated, Konzen may have been struck with the slightest hint of amusement at how quickly Goku now responded to that nickname.

"Care to explain what happened last night?"

Golden eyes expressed puzzlement. Goku tipped his head to the side, musing. "Last night?"

Konzen scowled. "Yes. Last night."

No realization touched Goku's face. "I dunno. What happened last night?"

"You don't remember?"

"Remember what?" Goku was instantly worried. "Did I do something wrong? Is that how I ended up in your bed? If I did something wrong I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

Strange. Konzen stared at the boy with a mixture of skepticism and confusion. He had no reason to believe Goku would lie to him; he'd never lied to Konzen, not even when he was at risk of his anger. Some might call it a fault, as Konzen usually tended to, but for once he didn't think so. It assured him that Goku hadn't lied, most likely wouldn't lie to him.

Then again, Goku was also the type of boy to keep secrets if he thought that it would harm the ones he cared about in any way. That idea made Konzen uneasy and less sure of Goku's answer.

Standing, Konzen strode over to where Goku was peering out the window, taking in the morning activities-- or lack thereof. He was just as likely to be admiring the brightness of morning and the never-ending bloom of cherry-pink blossoms.

"Goku."

Goku looked back at him, his expression changing from one of perplexity to surprise as his keeper grasped his chin and stared him in the eye. For a long, tense few seconds all that could be heard was the sound of them breathing. Goku grew steadily more confused and Konzen's face was impossible to read, but inwardly he was growing more and more sure of Goku's honesty as far as last night was concerned. Because he was a child, Goku was going to be a bad liar, which would make him easy to read. Konzen couldn't read anything directly associated with fear.

"You don't remember having a nightmare?"

At the word he half expected Goku to flinch; the other half expected him to actually scream. Goku did neither; he simply smiled and said, "No. I didn't have a nightmare. I would have remembered."

"How do you figure that?"

"Because nightmares are too scary to forget. I don't remember any dreams last night, so that must mean I was happy. Do you ever remember your dreams, Konzen?"

So he didn't remember. Despite the scream, the thrashing, the whimpering about dead people -- no, dead friends -- Goku couldn't remember any of the events.

And even after all that excitement, he was still up early and ready to go out and play. It amazed, intrigued, and disturbed Konzen to no end.

"Konzen?"

Realizing he hadn't released the boy's face, the blonde deity quickly did so, dropping his hand as though he had been burned. Rather than his hand, his face felt oddly hot. He quickly turned so Goku wouldn't notice.

"I have to work. Don't bother me." It was the same thing he told Goku every morning, and every morning Goku would cheerfully agree, only to forget about the warning an hour later.

Even after last night, this morning was no different. For some reason Konzen had almost expected Goku to ask to go with him for once. Goku did no such thing. Like every other morning, he beamed up at his keeper and said, "Okay!"

How could he do that? How was it possible? Rubbing his forehead, Konzen hurriedly left the room. He had far too many questions and no answers whatsoever. He had only been awake for fifteen minutes, and already he could feel an ache pressing down behind his eyes. It was far too early in the day for him to be experiencing pain of any sort (the nightly leg cramps didn't count) and he knew he was going to be very irritable that morning.

God save himself.

 [~:.:~]

If his question seemed out of the ordinary, Marshal Tenpou Gensui didn't bat an eyelash to it. As with nearly everything else, he took the question seriously. It was his way of answering that always made Konzen wonder if he was being genuine with his help or not. "That is a bit unusual," he was saying thoughtfully. "But actually not unheard of."

Konzen frowned. "What do you mean?"

Tenpou shrugged. "Down below the humans sometimes get dreams like that. Some are simple nightmares, and some are flashes of the future. I believe they call the person who receives the latter a psychic."

A golden eyebrow arched, disdain clearly written on Konzen's features. "You expect me to believe the monkey is a psychic?"

"No, of course not." Tenpou's smile could be called charming. Konzen didn't feel the least bit charmed, merely more annoyed and somehow wary. "I expect you to realize I'm stating my opinion on the whole matter."

Scowling, Konzen pointed out, "If he was a psychic, he would have remembered the dream this morning."

"Perhaps."

"What do you mean, perhaps?"

Tenpou's tone was infuriatingly calm in comparison to Konzen's aggravation. "The mind can be an incredible thing. Some people can be fortunate or unfortunate enough to receive signs of a future to come, whether that future is something as simple as what one may eat the next day, or something as amazing as a glimpse of someone's death."

Glowering, Konzen bit. "I don't see what's so 'amazing' about that."

"Perhaps 'amazing' is an inappropriate word to use," Tenpou agreed amiably. Though his smile lingered faintly, there was something dark and thoughtful behind the eyes hidden by glasses. Tenpou could tilt his head at exactly the right angle to make sure light reflected off his glasses, making him that much more difficult to read. The scary part was that he could do that while looking casual and unassuming the whole time, just as he was right now. Konzen's scowl deepened.

"However," the marshal continued, as though their brief interlude hadn't taken place. "The mind can also play other tricks if the person wishes it to. For example, several humans can trick themselves into believing something is real. Many believe in something called ghosts -- that's what they call a restless spirit that haunts the living -- because of this. They're so certain it's real that some of them trick their minds into seeing them. Just was easily, they can convince their psyche to work a little magic to erase parts of their memory, simply by willing it to happen."

Konzen couldn't see why anyone would want to forget something. Even if it was horrible, it could mean something as important as life and death. They could forget something vital and cause even worse things to happen.

As though reading his mind, Tenpou continued, "Not all of it is entirely conscious or voluntary. Sometimes to cope with a particularly horrible event, the humans down below erase certain bits of their memory without realizing it." He smiled; his smile was unsettling. "Which is truly unfortunate, because then they wonder what happened before they lost their memory and most will do anything to get it back."

Closing his eyes, Konzen muttered, "A vicious cycle."

"Pretty much."

Silence lapsed between them. For a good few minutes Konzen looked as though he were a string instrument being wound tighter and tighter, on the verge of snapping. Tenpou simply looked calm and observant. The marshal glanced out the window, taking in the beautiful weather. It never was anything else in heaven; always beautiful, always calm, always boring.

Well, the last two were arguable. There were two certain people that always seemed to cause a lot of mischief. Between Konzen's having to look after Goku and Tenpou's similar babysitting of General Kenren, heaven was gradually becoming anything but boring.

"Well," Tenpou said, so suddenly that Konzen started. "I have quite a bit of work to do." Konzen resisted the urge to roll his eyes, as 'working' to Tenpou was equal to 'procrastinating' to anyone else. "I'll just excuse myself."

"Hmph. Feel free."

Tenpou lingered a moment longer. "Ah, but before I forget, here's my advice: if you find out he has another nightmare, I wouldn't do anything more than let him know you're there. If it's simply a bad dream, it should fade in time as long as he subconsciously knows you're there."

Violet eyes narrowed. "I don't recall asking for your input."

"Oh? My mistake, then. Excuse me."

Once the marshal was gone, Konzen let out a sigh that had been trapped in his lungs for far too long. He'd gotten both more answers and more questions with Tenpou's ideas, and the combination wasn't lessening his headache any.

Still, Tenpou's advice -- even though Konzen had not asked for it -- didn't sound too bad. If it was just a bad dream concocted by Goku's own mind, then it would pass with time. And if not...

Well, Konzen would rather not have thought about such a future. Not because he was afraid to die, but because he didn't want to be the cause of Goku's tears.

 [~:.:~]

At first he wasn't sure how to handle the situation. Sitting on his bed and only half listening to Goku chatter excitedly about the day's adventures, Konzen considered his options. He could stay up all night and just watch the boy, see what strange things happened and when, but that also had a downside. He would be tired the next day, and cranky. The humans down below would have been surprised to hear that not only did the gods do paperwork, they also needed sleep. It was information like that everyone in heaven was careful not to let slip to those down below, otherwise the impression that the gods were omnipotent would suffer a huge dent.

His other option was just to go to sleep like any other night, but the downside to that was that he might not wake up. If Tenpou's assumption was correct, that would unconsciously give Goku the idea that Konzen didn't care, which would only let the nightmares keep on plaguing him.

In the end the first option won out. He could easily take his anger out on other people or objects the next day, but it would be a thousand times harder to win back Goku's trust. Unconscious thoughts would eventually rise to the surface, and sooner or later Goku would start thinking that Konzen didn't care for him even when the deity didn't act any different during the day.

It was a bit of a stretch, but still a risk Konzen wasn't about to take.

"Konzen?"

The sound of his name snapped him from his thoughts. The deity turned his gaze fully on Goku. "What?"

Goku frowned. "The flowers I picked for you are dying. Want me to get you new ones tomorrow?"

How a little boy could have such a fascination with flowers, Konzen wasn't sure he'd ever completely understand. He could appreciate their beauty, yes, but he couldn't see what sort of pleasure Goku got from gathering so many and giving them to him. He did that a lot; he gave Konzen various things he found interesting and then would never ask for them back. Once Konzen had tried to give something back-- a smooth, glistening white rock Goku had found near the pond. Konzen had found it worthless and wanted the boy to throw it back outside.

Goku had simply blinked and said, "But I gave it to you, Konzen. Why would I want it back?"

He did that an awful lot. Konzen sighed.

"Do what you want," was all he said, nudging the brunette away from his bed with his foot. "Go to bed."

"Good night, Konzen!"

"Hm."

For the next few minutes Konzen only heard the familiar sounds of Goku shifting and squirming beneath his sheets. Even when he tried to sleep, Goku was restless. Couldn't the kid ever just lie still?

By the time the red of evening darkened to the blues and blacks of night, Goku had finally settled down and was asleep, his breathing deep and peaceful.

Konzen lay on his side, watching the boy for any unusual movements. He tucked an arm beneath his head despite the pillow beneath him, closing his eyes only briefly so the air didn't sting them.

For the most part, two hours passed by uneventfully. It was nearly pitch black in the room then, and Konzen was growing sleepier and more irritable by the minute. When his right calf was seized with a cramp, he winced and stretched his leg out. The pain wasn't nearly was intense as the night before since he'd only had to chase after Goku once that day (the brat had gotten into his things again, smashing three bottles of ink and making a complete mess of himself) but it was still uncomfortable. Konzen cursed softly.

At last the pain ebbed away, but Konzen was left feeling a dull ache in his leg. Only walking around in the morning would make that go away, and exercise wasn't exactly one of Konzen's favourite things to do.

Perhaps it was because he was so tired, but he began to remember the first time his leg had suffered such severe pain. He had woken up emitting a rather audible noise of agony, which in turn had woken Goku. Their conversation the next morning had been Konzen's first major mistake since he had taken Goku in.

"Konzen?"

"What, monkey?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Go play or something. I'm busy."

"What happened last night?"

"Nothing."

"Were you hurt?"

"Didn't I say I'm fine now?"

"But Konzen--"

"If you must know, it's because of you. Now get out already!"

At the time he hadn't been thinking, hadn't realized the consequences of simply telling Goku it was his fault. When it became ridiculously difficult to find the boy, Konzen had seriously began to wonder what he had done wrong.

Goku had ended up being in the bedroom most of the day, and when Konzen had returned he had a bunch of half dead flowers in his hands. He'd said nothing; simply thrust them out to his keeper, his golden eyes downcast.

Konzen learned that insults would go right over the boy's head, but when someone implied that Goku had done something to hurt someone he cared about, it would stricken the boy with guilt. Since then he tried to be more careful with his words. That wasn't to say similar conflicts had passed them by, especially since Konzen was quick to snap. But he was trying, and such incidents were occurring fewer and further between.

That was good. Just as with the nightmares, a lot of Konzen's decisions and actions came down to the same thing: he didn't want to be the cause of Goku's tears.

It was strange he thought that when he'd never seen the boy cry before.

Because he was half asleep Konzen missed the first telltale sign of Goku's discomfort; a small whimper. However, the subsequent moan caught his ears and woke him up entirely. Pushing into a sitting position, Konzen tried to adjust his eyes to the darkness and make out the figure on the other side of the room.

Goku shifted restlessly, his eyebrows drawn down. His expression was marred with discomfort. He squirmed, hands clutching the sheets as he tossed and turned. Disjointed phrases escaped his lips, and Konzen clearly heard his name being called.

"Let him know you're there."

Curse Tenpou and his unwanted advice. Konzen fairly threw the covers back, sliding to the floor and crouching beside Goku. As though sensing him, the brunette turned over on his side. His eyes were screwed shut, but Konzen felt as though he were staring at him anyway.

A confused, almost frightened voice mumbled, "Konzen...?"

Goku's hand reached out blindly, sliding across the cot. After staring at it for a moment, Konzen reached out and gently grasped the boy's hand. Goku squeezed back painfully, causing him to wince.

"Konzen..."

With tenderness that surprised himself, Konzen used his other hand to brush hair from Goku's still-closed eyes. "Right here."

"Not cold..."

"What?"

Goku screwed his eyes shut tighter. His expression wasn't one of fear anymore, but now of concentration. Slowly the muscles in his face began to relax. "Not cold... you're warm... alive..."

When his eyes slid open, Konzen could have sworn that the lighting had turned Goku's eyes silver. They were half lidded but staring at him-- or perhaps past him, as the boy couldn't seem to focus. Goku released Konzen's hand, stirring. When he crawled into the blonde deity's lap, Konzen made no move to reject him. Instead he wrapped his arms around the boy and somehow managed to shift him onto the bed.

He didn't protest when Goku clung to him. A soft murmur of, "Don't go..."

"I'm right here," Konzen repeated.

"Don't scare me like that again..." Unsure of what else to say, Konzen simply agreed. After a few moments he thought Goku had fallen asleep, but then the boy spoke, making him start. "If I never sleep, you won't die." His voice was barely above a whisper, the words slurring together as he drifted off.

Konzen frowned. "What?"

Goku was already asleep. Sighing, Konzen shifted. He didn't want the boy to fall asleep on his arm, but the only way to ensure that without waking the boy -- prying him off was out of the question -- was to rest Goku on top of him.

As though this wasn't compromising enough. Konzen was not about to take any more chances.

"If I never sleep, you won't die." What the hell was that supposed to mean?

As always, Konzen seemed to have ended up with more questions than answers. Reluctantly, he resigned to the fact he was probably going to be stuck this way for a few more days... or the rest of his life, should a certain goddess find it interesting enough.

Never sleep, never die...

He unconsciously tightened his grip on the boy. Lost deep within the realm of dreams, Goku seemed to take comfort in that embrace.

[~:.:~]

[~owari~]

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