[Generic Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all the affiliated
characters are copyright to Kazuya Minekura. No
profit has or will be made off of this fiction.]
===
~Lonely Illusion~
Summary:
(Sanzo x Goku, Konzen x
Goku) Is the Konzen Goku sees really there...
or is he just an illusion during a boy's time of need?
Warnings:
PG-13; slight AU, language, angst, mild Gaiden spoilers, shounen
ai
Notes:
Idea was inspired by a Japanese oekaki
Nikki showed me, and then I decided to write this fic
so she'd feel happier. I've been wanting to do
Sanzo/Goku angst (among other things) and this idea just seemed to fit. The
pairings aren't direct, and Konzen/Goku is probably the strongest... but they are
intended to be there. Of course, I can leave it solely up to the reader's
opinion.
You may want to read Illness Illusion to understand a few things,
such as why Goku's like this when he's sick. It's not required, but may explain
more... and this is intended as a sidefic/sequel
and such.
===
It always seemed as though they got worse before they got better, no matter
what he did to prevent that. It made Sanzo grimace, realizing what he'd have to
put up with, but that came with taking care of a pet.
Which was all this boy was, of course. A pet. A pet that was currently tossing on his little
mattress, his face flushed with high fever and sweat trickling down the side of
his face, forcing the loose brown locks to cling to his skin. The boy moaned
softly, his face screwing up as though he'd just eaten something positively
awful.
Sanzo scoffed lightly, kneeling down by the boy and dabbing at his wet face
dutifully. Naturally any comparisons I make with this damn monkey would
have to do with food...
Goku hardly even seemed attuned to his presence anymore, but while annoying
and unusual, that Sanzo found he could deal with. It was unnerving at
best, but at least the kid wasn't in his demon form. Yes, in comparison Sanzo
found he was extremely grateful that Goku was only acting like a
complete and utter lunatic.
"Stupid monkey," he muttered to himself, frowning as the coolness
of the washcloth faded. Goku's fever wasn't residing much, though Sanzo was
hesitant to call it anything critical. He shook his head, partially in disgust,
as he got back to his feet to run the cloth under cold water again.
I swear, the things I do for that brat, he thought in annoyance, his
hands wringing out the washcloth. Honestly, he wasn't Goku's damned owner! Goku
was a pet, sure, but he was more the type of pet that no owner wanted simply
because it made too much noise, annoyed you endlessly, and cost a hell of a lot
of money to feed.
In the latter case, Goku was actually worse than an annoying pet.
This time when the cloth touched the boy's head, Goku gave a start. His eyes
opened a bit, nothing but golden haze beneath a blank stare. His mouth moved a
little, but not enough for Sanzo to make anything sensible out. Then, to his
surprise, Goku just smiled a bit and closed his eyes again, falling asleep.
What was most odd was that he made no noise at all, not even the feverish
moans.
And when Sanzo checked again seconds later, he could have sworn the boy's
temperature had gone down considerably.
[~:.:~]
Where... am I?
He wasn't sure. All he knew was that he hurt; he couldn't even see his own
body, but he knew that he ached all over, like one giant bruise. It made him whimper.
Had he been any stronger he would have berated himself for doing that -- Oh,
man, if he hears me he'll be so mad -- but he felt weak and languid enough
as it was.
Feels... painful... but like I'm flying...
Was he flying? Cracking his eyes open a bit he could see a blur of colours swimming hastily before him. Not very many pretty colours... white, maybe a cream or beige, sometimes brown,
dark brown, mahogany...
And then the blaring gold of the sun that made him clench his eyes shut
again.
The sun... I must be flying, he thought dizzily, half awed by
the idea. He wanted to lift his arms, see if he could touch that brilliant
gold, but even as his mind's eye showed him doing exactly that a part of him
realized that his arms were really still pinned to the bed.
He heard a faint moan and wondered if it was his or someone else's. He felt
a very familiar, warm, almost too-hot presence beside him. It made his heart
rate suddenly speed up.
Oh no... no, no, no... still
there? Thought it was a dream... just a really bad dream... He winced
inwardly as something cold and wet touched his forehead; it felt like ice in
comparison to the heat of his skin. No... he's not
dead... no blood... we're not hidden away someplace... no...
He began to shiver; whether it was from apprehension or his illness he
wasn't certain. The coldness on his head left, and the moment it did it felt
like fire had descended on him again. He bit his lip, shifting as he tried to
roll out of the pit of hot coals. Toohothothothot...
The icy touch graced him again, but this time it made him jerk in surprise.
He forced his dead-weight eyes open, and once he did everything hit him like a
heavy, unexpectedly oncoming boulder. It wasn't just hot, it was like fire.
It made every nerve feel as though it was being scraped raw. His vision was
suddenly focused and clear, fixated on one thing that made him immediately
forget about all the pain.
"... Konzen..." He wasn't sure if he said it aloud or if he only
heard his own voice in his mind. But there he was, clothed in his usual white,
his hand strangely cold but soothing on his forehead. He gave the man a slight
smile, a feeling of utter safety flooding his senses, extinguishing the fire.
He's still here... alive... no one's dead... we're okay... And with
those comforting thoughts in mind, he allowed his heavy eyelids to fall shut
again as he collapsed against the sheets again and fell asleep.
[~:.:~]
Reflecting on it, Sanzo found he was at least glad the fever had broken. Now
he didn't have to go back and forth attending to the little brat. All Goku
needed now was sleep-- a lot of it, but whatever it took to get him better so
Sanzo didn't have to play servant-boy all day.
He didn't come back until late evening, figuring that he might as well feed
the boy if he didn't want to get rid of a shriveled corpse later on-- or worse,
hear Goku whine about how hungry he was.
Entering the room, he found nothing out of place. Goku was sleeping fitfully
on his mattress, the sheets tangled around his legs probably from being kicked
on and off for hours. Scoffing lightly, Sanzo set the food down by the boy; if
the smell didn't wake him up, nothing else would.
Might as well check his temperature, he thought with a touch of
annoyance. Sanzo had to pull one of his gloves off before he rested the back of
his hand on the boy's head--
And then Goku grabbed him.
Sanzo stiffened on reflex, ready to throw the boy off should he try to fight
him. But Goku just lay there, gripping his keeper's arm, his golden eyes wide
open, pupils contracted to pinpoints. Both of them were like that for minutes
on end, with Goku breathing harshly and Sanzo still tense enough to throw the
boy off.
Then Goku suddenly relaxed, murmuring something as he fell back to sleep almost
instantly. Sanzo was left turning his wrist, working out some of the soreness.
... What in the hell was that?
"K... on... zen..."
Sanzo looked at the boy sharply, frowning. Should have remembered that...
He had no idea where the boy had gotten this "Konzen" name from, nor
why he kept calling Sanzo by it. He had quickly learned not to even try to tell
the boy otherwise, because Goku would just stubbornly insist that he was Konzen.
"What?" he asked quietly, his voice clearly laced with annoyance.
For once, Goku didn't answer. He just groaned softly, eyes slowly opening
partway. His gaze seemed acutely focused despite the heavy-lidded expression,
but he wasn't looking at Sanzo at all. Instead he was staring up, as though he
could see something -- or someone -- above him.
"Kon... zen..."
The boy reached up, his fingers trembling. He didn't look at Sanzo once, his
eyes staring straight ahead as he seemed to grasp for something.
Something he apparently couldn't reach.
It grew even more alarming when Sanzo noted the tears threatening to spill.
[~:.:~]
Nice...
It almost felt as though he were in the man's embrace, something that had
happened rarely but had always made him very happy. Sometimes he would wonder
if that man ever saw him as more than an inconvenience or a pet, but there were
little things he'd done to assure him he was wanted... maybe even loved.
He murmured quietly when the touch brushed across his head, and again... but
each time he grew more and more anxious. It was as though each touch was losing
substance.
No...
He couldn't remember what life was like before he'd been brought to heaven,
and he really didn't want to... because back then it was probably lonely, just
so achingly lonely. He didn't want to be alone, never wanted to be alone
again...
The sudden firm, absolutely solid and real touch
made him almost scream. He did reach out and grab the arm, not seeing
anything even as it felt his eyes were wide open and stinging. Seconds or hours
could have passed and he wouldn't have known the difference, but he finally let
go and fell back into blissful darkness.
When he awoke again he was almost painfully aware of the presence again. He
forced his eyes open, but for some reason seeing the white-clothed figure did
nothing to ease his discomfort.
Konzen...
He tried to work the name out on his tongue, but it came out choked and
garbled. He reached out toward the man, wanting to touch, wanting to feel the
soft white cloth, the warm skin, the silken gold hair. It seemed like it had
been ages since he'd touched the hair that reminded him so much of the sun...
And why did it seem like he was only getting further and further away the
more he reached?
No... Konzen...
He whimpered softly, raising his aching arm to try to grasp the man. He
could see Konzen's face clearly, so clearly despite
his transparency... and the man's expression only made him ache worse. Not in
his limbs this time, but his heart...
No... don't go... you can't leave me alone...
His eyes felt hot, prickly with tears he knew he would regret shedding
later. But he couldn't be left alone; he couldn't! It was almost like he had
been alone for hundreds of years before, and he could remember the isolation
and loneliness too clearly...
Don't... Konzen! Konzen!
"KONZEN!"
[~:.:~]
The sudden scream was so loud Sanzo's cigarette fell from his mouth and into
his robes, the end scorching it before he could do anything. Cursing, he stood,
barely taking time to crush the butt beneath his sandal before running to the
boy's room. He'd only left Goku alone for a few minutes and already the boy was
screaming...
"Konzen!" The anguish was so clear it
made Sanzo wince inwardly. He threw the door to Goku's room open, down by him
and trying to keep him down on the makeshift bed before he realized what he was
doing. But even then he noticed that Goku was trying to sit up, his eyes wide
but not seeming to see anything in the room. He was grasping blindly for
something Sanzo couldn't see.
"Konzen!" Sanzo had to duck to
avoid a possibly fatal blow to the head. Gotta
get his hands down, was the only thing on his mind right now.
"Monkey," he fairly shouted. "Stop that or I'll fucking kill
you!"
Goku didn't seem to hear him, struggling against him. Sanzo dimly realized
he was lucky Goku was weak from illness; otherwise the brat may very well have
taken his head off. From the way he was still screaming it was likely Sanzo's
eardrums would burst at any given moment.
"Konzen! Don't leave!" Goku kicked at
Sanzo as though he was some beast in his way, not seeming to care what damage
he did so long as he could reach this Konzen person...
Who apparently was someone other than Sanzo at the moment.
The realization came as a start, one so strong that Sanzo stilled just long
enough for Goku to kick free of him. Sanzo had to move back on him; one wild
glance to the boy's head confirmed that the limiter was still intact, but there
was no telling what might shatter it. If Goku hit something and it broke the
diadem... or somehow that sheer power within him broke it...
"Konzen..." Slowly the burst of strength seeped out of the boy
until he was weak enough for Sanzo to effectively pin him to the floor. His
breath was coming in short gasps; even weakened Goku put up a hell of a
fight...
But over what?
"Konzen..." Goku sounded so broken as he
finally gave up, lying beneath the blonde and shaking with childish sobs. He
made a strangled noise, whimpering as he continued to cry. Sanzo slowly
released him, crawling off the boy. Goku just turned over on his side, trying
to muffle his cries with his fist.
Sanzo stayed in his place on the floor, finding he couldn't summon up any
other reactions. All he could do was just sit there, stare, and watch the boy
sob wretchedly.
Even after Goku fell asleep again he didn't even consider leaving.
[~:.:~]
A look of utter regret, tearing at his soul, making him wish he could run
after the man, throw his arms around him, and everything would be like it
always had been. But he couldn't run; he could barely even lift his arm...
"Konzen!" Somehow he found the strength within
him to sit up, but that only made Konzen fade away faster. He was dimly aware
of screaming, trying to catch that elusive image...
Don't leave me! Don't! I've already lost you once--
Had he? Had he really already lost the one most important to him? But
then... where was he? Why was Konzen here? It made his head hurt and all he
wanted was to hold the man until it went away. He was aware of screaming Konzen's name over and over, desperate as a prayer. He grew
frightened when something grabbed him, holding him down to the earth as Konzen
disappeared faster and faster into the heavens.
He shrieked, feeling wet drops as hot as coals streaking down his face,
leaving trails of fire that only made him scream louder as he tried to kick
away from the strange thing holding him down. He had to get to Konzen... he had
to!
I don't wanna be alone again! Konzen!
He struggled for what seemed like an eternity, his fingers stretching like a
tree's branches reaches for the sky. He couldn't grab it, couldn't hold on...
but he needed it...
His strength was leaving him. Still reaching vainly after the man, he
watched with horror as violet eyes gave him one last look, one that was far
from tender but still told him what he always knew-- that he was cared for
immensely. Loved, even...
No...
The foreign force holding him back finally won, and he gave up in despair.
It hurt so much, like he'd already lost Konzen twice... why did it feel that
way? And why did it hurt so much?
The strange thing finally released him and all he wanted to do was cry. So
he did, curling up on his side and sobbing horribly and loudly. Eventually
sleep took him, but it was a restless sleep that threw him into nightmares.
There was blood everywhere, all over the place... violet eyes, black eyes,
green eyes... gold... all looking at him, all accusing, all asking 'why'...
And he didn't even understand what 'why' they were asking of him.
[~:.:~]
It was far into the night by the time Goku awoke. Sanzo hadn't left the
room, though he had long since moved from the floor to the windowsill, sitting
and smoking as he pondered the previous events. He heard a telltale hitch of
breath that hinted the boy was coming out of slumber but didn't even turn his
head when he noticed Goku sitting up from the corner of his eye.
"Nn... Kon... zen...?" Sanzo bit back an irritated sigh, but nearly
dropped his cigarette when Goku suddenly said, very softly, "You're not
Konzen..."
Sanzo didn't budge. "At least you're not hallucinating anymore."
"Who... are you?"
Sanzo would have smacked the boy if he was sure a good whack would
unscramble the idiot's brains. As it was, he might have only done more damage.
He shook his head and muttered, "No one important." And that was true
enough.
Goku fell silent for a while. When he did speak, Sanzo was only mildly
surprised to hear the slight tremor in his voice-- and that voice was still
light, as though he were a small boy and not a teenager. "Where... is
Konzen?"
That Sanzo could answer with complete honesty. "I don't know."
There was some shuffling and then a light-heavy presence on his back. Sanzo
frowned but Goku was leaning completely on him, using him for support.
"You look... like the sun," the boy murmured dazedly, his fingers
touching the man's short blonde hair. "You're not... Konzen... nnm... but you feel... kinda like
him..." A small nose was pressed into his shoulder. "I... want to
stay with you..."
Sanzo scoffed quietly, pushing at Goku. "Go back to sleep, you stupid
monkey."
The wistful look was so childlike it was scary. "Even... talk like
him..." Seeming to lose the last of his strength, Goku's legs collapsed
beneath him. He curled up on the floor, shaking with what Sanzo guessed was
both chill and desperately held back tears.
"... don't wanna be
alone..."
Sanzo stared, a scowl on his lips, but the words that passed them, though
rough-sounding, seemed to put the boy at ease. "I doubt I could get rid of
you if I tried."
For the rest of the night, Goku said no more.
[~:.:~]
The sun was here, the sun was with him, and it was warm, felt so much like
Konzen...
But it wasn't Konzen.
Realizing it made him want to cry all over again, but he'd done far too much
of that already. Since when was he so weak? He had to grow up, become someone
this new sun would rather stay with... because he didn't get the feeling this
new sun made a habit of sticking around children.
Why couldn't he just have Konzen...?
He hugged himself, shivering. Even with this sun he somehow felt lonely.
This sun wasn't as warm as Konzen; it had a layer of ice over it, dimming the
warmth. Maybe he could break that ice, as he'd done with Konzen, but this ice
was so much thicker... so...
When he closed his eyes he could see a field of flowers, bright in the
daylight and every shade of violet imaginable. Dark as a velvet night's sky to
light as soft lavender pastels... he wanted to pick them all, give them to the
one he cared about most...
And then the flowers melted, shifted into a desolate rock cave, and the
grass shriveled into dirt, and the pebbles became a sole dead bird just beyond
his reach...
And the image of Konzen faded, the name erased from his mind, as the new sun
stepped in and took him from his craggy rock prison.
Sanzo...
And in the depths of his dreams and healing, the white-clothed man was wiped
clean of his mind, as well as the other names that came with him.
[~:.:~]
[~owari~]