[Generic Disclaimer: Saiyuki and
all the affiliated characters are copyright to Kazuya Minekura.
No profit has or will be made off of this fiction.]
===
~Breathe Again~
Summary:
(Goku/Sanzo) Goku's side of
the story, in which he sees what Sanzo cannot and desperately embraces the
offered world of illusion.
Warnings:
R; post-series, angst, language, shounen ai, descriptive violence, character death :: sidefic to Fade to Black
===
"Kanjizai osatsu
gyoujin hannya ha shoken go on kai ku do issai..."
The soft muttering barely reached his ears, but he recognized the chant.
Cursing to himself, Goku moved quickly, slamming the end of his staff into the
nearest demon's gut. His opponent gagged and doubled over, allowing Goku time
enough to whirl around and catch the next demon. He screamed as he swung Nyoibou, the side of his weapon crashing into the
demon's head and sending him flying back.
They were by no means weak, unfortunately. This wasn't a fight that was
going to be solved within minutes. Unless, of course, they
defeated the awakened one.
Gyuumaoh had been successfully resurrected.
"Soku setsu
shu watsu gya tei gya
tei ha ra gya tei ha ra
so gya tei..."
Upon discovering the demon king they were supposed to stop the
resurrection of was as alive as the day he'd been sealed, Sanzo had been
furious. Their entire party knew there was nothing they could do about it, but
that didn't stop a single one of them from blaming themselves for taking too
long to get there.
Gojyo and Hakkai had fallen back by choice. Sanzo and Goku were the two to
go ahead; they needed Sanzo's use of the Maten scripture and Goku's
strength in this area. While the other two would do their best to halt any
advancement of other palace members, the priest and his charge were going to
take down Gyuumaoh by any means necessary.
Of course, Gyuumaoh had more authority than Gyokumen Koushu, and thus could
order his subjects as she couldn't. His best fighters were to take the
"annoying pests" down.
From the looks of it, it didn't seem Gyuumaoh had
much faith in his fighters any longer. Sanzo had shot and killed a good amount
of them; Goku had beaten the rest to death, or stabbed them. Whatever he could
do to stay alive, whatever he could do to protect Sanzo, he
did it. He knew the sight of all the crushed skulls and torn limbs were going
to make him sick later. But that could wait until after the battle.
Gyuumaoh was rising and Sanzo had yet to finish
the chant.
"Boddhi so wa ka hannya shingyo on ma ni—"
With a vicious cry, Goku abandoned his staff and gave the nearest opponent a
solid punch to the face. He heard the jaw shatter, even felt it under his
knuckles, but had no time to think about it. Gyuumaoh's
shadow was falling over them. Spinning, Goku hurried back to Sanzo's side, raising his foot in a high kick and catching
an opponent in the face as they tried to tackle Sanzo, fingers outstretched for
the scriptures.
Sanzo was more than capable of taking care of himself, but Goku was well
aware that it would be best if the chant went on without interruptions. That
was why, despite how they disliked the idea of it, Goku was his temporary body
guard.
With a roar that shook the palace, Gyuumaoh drew
his sword. It was enormous, the blade wide and thick, extending nearly to the
other end of the room. Goku had no doubt that it would kill him and Sanzo with
one swing should they so much as take the wrong step.
"—hatsu mei un!"
A demon staggered to his feet, stumbling after Sanzo as though in a
desperate last attempt to take him down. Growling, Goku granted that one with a
low swing to the stomach, then a swift blow to the side of his face. The demon
went flying back into a pillar, blood spilling from his nose and mouth upon
impact.
Gyuumaoh raised his arm.
"Makai Tenjou!"
The final words to the chant erupted in a scream. Knowing better than to get
in the way of the attack, Goku dodged the scriptures, throwing himself to the
floor and pressing himself down flat.
Gyuumaoh was a massive demon, taking up a good
portion of the room. But Sanzo's Maten
scriptures wasn't anything trifling, either. They were
holding fast, making Gyuumaoh bellow with rage as he
struggled, but the paper seemed to be tearing due to his bulging muscles and
power.
Realizing that the monk could only do so much, Goku quickly got back to his
feet. Sanzo's bullets probably weren't enough to
penetrate the demon king's thick helmet, and anything else would definitely not
kill him.
Goku put all his power into the leap, sucking in a deep breath of air as he
took flight. Once he was at eye level with the demon, he exhaled in a furious
scream, driving his staff down with all his power.
If Sanzo's scriptures weren't trifling, Goku's physical power surpassed astonishing. His weapon
miraculously crunched through the metal of Gyuumaoh's
helmet, and a split second afterward Goku heard the familiar crushing of skull.
Blood spurted from the wound.
"Longer, Nyoibou!" he yelled,
putting all his thought behind that action. It completed what his blow could
not; driving entirely through the demon king's brain, all that was left was Gyuumaoh's shocked expression. Blood dribbled into his
eyes.
Goku let go of the staff, falling as Gyuumaoh did.
The resulting crash was thunderous. It was also disastrous; doing what the rest
of their chaotic fighting hadn't quite been able to do.
His first wild thought was that he couldn't see Sanzo. Panicking, Goku
whirled around, momentarily too frightened to see anything but the bits of
falling debris. Then he glanced up just as the ceiling high above them cracked
from one wall to the other. Large rocks started to fall.
His gaze found Sanzo as soon as he looked down. Goku berated himself for
missing the man; he was dusty and grimy, his expression showing mute surprise
as he realized their situation as well.
Without a word to each other they began to run.
Goku caught up with Sanzo quickly, but the chunks of ceiling and torn limbs
littering the floor made them stumble. He heard a loud thud and a pained gasp;
when he turned he felt his heart wrench to see that Sanzo had tripped. There
was a brief silence, an ear-splitting crack, and Goku knew they weren't going
to make it.
Or rather, that he wasn't going to make it. Determination hardened
his eyes as he darted forward without thinking, tackling Sanzo to the ground
before the man could get up. Sanzo shouted something, most likely a curse at
him, but Goku drove a knee into the man's gut. He saw Sanzo's
eyes widen briefly, and then clench shut as his body realized the air had been
forced out of him.
"If I'm gonna die, I won't die with
regrets."
That was the only thought on Goku's mind when the
ceiling finally crashed into him. Even his strong body couldn't stay sturdy
beneath it, and a horrible scream wrenched itself from Goku's
throat. The weight kept piling up, adding on to itself, on to the agonizing
pain in his back. He heard bones crunch again, but the sharp agony stabbing
through his limbs told him that this time it was his own being crushed.
The weight forced him to be pressed against Sanzo. Goku dimly hoped he
wasn't smothering the man, but that wavering part of him realized that Sanzo
was barely breathing. He was unconscious.
Good.
Then he felt the worst pain of all; the sensation of his ribs being shoved
in toward his back. Goku made a strangled noise, suddenly gasping for air, then
choking on the blood spilling from his throat. The last thing he felt was
something crashing into the base of his skull.
[~:.:~]
The pull of his Mother was strong. She was whispering to him, murmuring,
telling him that he had lived his mortal life to the fullest. Now it was time
for him to return to Her, to become the baby in Her
womb once again.
Goku didn't want to go. As hard as it was, he resisted Her
pull. He had nothing to say to Her, refused to answer
Her pleas to return to Her. He refused. She had created him, given birth to
him-- he remembered now. Everything from his birth on
It was especially because of those memories that he didn't want to go back.
How could he? His place was on the earth, not within it. More than
anything he wanted to be alive, to breathe.
More than anything, he wanted to be with Sanzo.
Goku had watched quietly as Hakkai and Gojyo finally entered the room after
the collapse. They were injured, but seemed well enough to put hours into
removing the rubble covering his and Sanzo's bodies.
He recalled the painful twist of emotion on both men's faces when they had
discovered the condition of his body. Gojyo had actually been sick. Not exactly
because of the state of his body, Goku had realized. Because
someone so close to him had died so viciously. Witnessing the scene had
made Goku feel closer to Gojyo than he had ever felt during life-- and that in
turn had made him sad.
Sanzo, however, had been all right. In Goku's
eyes, that had made it all worth it. The man had sported his injuries from the
fights before the castle's collapse, and the only new injuries after that had
been the concussion, broken arm, and both legs suffering comminuted fractures.
All of that could be healed, given time. Sanzo wouldn't be crippled for life,
but he wouldn't be moving around anytime soon, either.
Goku was so relieved he could have cried. For some reason it was impossible;
in this strange new state -- he decided to call it his spirit, even though that
didn't feel entirely correct -- he was incapable of crying, or bleeding, or
even laughing. He could move, he was completely mobile, but he was also mute
and devoid of anything actually physical.
He hated this new state. Huddling into himself, Goku "sat" on the
bed Sanzo now rested on. The entire left side of the man's face was bruised and
swollen. There was a shallow cut above his eyebrow; Goku "touched"
it, but Sanzo didn't stir. He hadn't moved in days.
If he had been capable of it, Goku would have screamed.
He hated himself right then. He knew Sanzo would never forgive him for
getting what he wanted, for dying without regrets. It absolutely infuriated him
that he had so much he regretted in the aftermath. It made Goku want to hurt
something-- and he couldn't.
He continued to stubbornly resist his Mother's voice. Her voice wasn't
important. Only Sanzo was important. There was so much Goku had intended to do
after the final battle. After his confession the night before it, he had been
ambitious. He'd had plans for what they were going to do once they got out
alive. Eating some fried noodles had been at the top of the list, but the most
important thing was that after they journey he knew he and Sanzo could finally,
finally finish their emotional consummation. It had started so many
years ago, when Sanzo had freed him, and the tension between them had grown
stronger and stronger, to the point Goku had nearly been able to reach out and
touch it.
Instead, he had reached out to Sanzo. He still treasured the man's
acceptance of his confession, and even as a spirit he could recall how the
brief, chaste kiss they had shared felt. They had hardly touched after that,
but they hadn't had to. Both had intended to come out alive.
Sanzo was going to hate him when he realized what had happened to his
charge. Goku didn't want Sanzo to hate him. He wanted... he wasn't entirely
sure what he wanted, but it certainly wasn't Sanzo's
contempt.
His Mother was whispering to him again. Goku clamped his hands over his ears
and screwed his eyes shut, wishing he could scream to drown Her
out. That was probably why he was mute; She didn't
want to be ignored. She wanted him to return to Her.
I won't! Goku thought furiously. It was the only way he could respond
to Her wordless pleas. I don't belong there! I
belong here! My place is with Sanzo When he opened
his eyes again Her voice was silent. Sanzo was still unconscious.
Sanzo opened his eyes.
Goku sucked in a startled breath then heaved a sigh. He wasn't dead. Sanzo
wasn't dead, and if Goku hadn't known any better he would have said the man was
looking straight at him. It was as though he could see him.
"What the hell are you staring at, you stupid monkey?"
Startled, Goku pushed himself off the bed. Violet eyes followed him, seeming
annoyed. Unable to believe he had just heard his master speak to him, Goku
murmured without thinking, "You can see me?" Then he did a double
take.
He had spoken. He had breathed.
Sanzo scoffed, closing his eyes briefly. "Gods... how
typical. I have to wake up to this stupidity..."
He didn't think-- couldn't think. Goku simply moved, practically
lunging forward and clinging to the man, pressing his face into the blankets
covering Sanzo's chest. He didn't even notice that he
couldn't feel the blankets; Sanzo was warm, breathing, and his heart was
beating. That was all that mattered.
And, of course, Sanzo was also taken aback by the sudden display of
affection. When his master was unable to pry him off, Goku received a sharp
smack upside the head. He yelped, drawing back and
rubbing his head as Sanzo gave him a look between annoyance and confusion.
"What the hell was that for?" Sanzo muttered, reaching up tiredly
as though to push his hair back; he winced when his fingers lightly brushed
over the large bruise on his face. "Hell..."
Goku thought he could possibly cry right then. He didn't give in to the
emotion, but it was tempting. He knew he was shaking, knew that relief was
cracking down on his usually stable emotional pillars, and he was torn between
trying to stifle his cries and just wanting to break down right there.
Sanzo was alive. He could touch him. Sanzo could see him, hear him, even speak to him. How this amazing phenomenon had come to
pass, Goku neither knew nor cared. All that mattered was that everything would
be all right again.
The moment the door opened everything spiraled downhill. Goku didn't even
hear it, but he did hear Hakkai speak.
"You're awake." There was a touch of relief in his voice, though
any stranger wouldn't have been able to detect it. Hakkai was smiling faintly,
and Goku wasn't surprised to see that it wasn't entirely genuine. He had grown
used to Hakkai and his "false" smiles, though it had taken him a
while to discern the fake from the genuine.
"No thanks to this stupid monkey," Sanzo said flatly.
Chuckling, Hakkai briefly glanced at Goku before moving forward.
"You've only been unconscious for a few days. You're lucky Goku was there
to protect you."
Startled, Goku moved forward to grasp Hakkai's
sleeve. "You can..." His question trailed off as he looked down,
staring. He was touching Hakkai, could see that his fingers were grasping the
material. But there was no feel to it. Without looking, he wasn't able to tell
if he was holding anything, if the fabric was just air between his fingers.
Sounding mildly puzzled, Hakkai said gently, "I can what, Goku?"
"You..." Slowly releasing him, Goku fumbled for anything he could
think of. Anything but the truth-- because suddenly he didn't
want the truth to be real. "You can... check him. Yeah. I'll
just... I'll get something to eat." He hurried before either of the men
could ask questions, fumbling for the door before he realized that he couldn't
feel that, either.
Once he had the door open all he saw was blackness.
[~:.:~]
The loneliest periods of time were when Sanzo slept. Each time the man fell
into a dreamless slumber Goku found himself on the
outside, sitting on the edge of the bed, watching Sanzo's
shallow breathing as he never got any better.
Then when Sanzo dreamt, Goku left the pull of the earth and succumbed to the
man's desperate embrace. The dreams were rarely significant; everything was
normal, as everyday life should be. It was what Sanzo knew—and it was probably
what was comforting the man. Goku was the only presence always there.
It was pure selfishness that kept him there, and he knew it. Goku didn't
care. In Sanzo's dreams there was peace; neither of
them were dead, neither were hurt, and in Sanzo's mind so much time had passed, and with that time
their bond grew stronger. They grew closer... and in this state Goku chose to
reveal some things even he hadn't known about himself just before
his death. He felt closer to Sanzo in death than he ever had in life.
If Sanzo's dreams were a representation of what he
was really feeling, then Goku was certain he felt the same way. Even though he
never voiced it, seeming to have an amazing control on his subconscious, Goku
still felt it.
He blinked, and that was all it took for the priest to tug him back into his
subconscious. Unresisting, Goku took a quick glance around. He was in the
blonde's room, the one Sanzo's
memories had conjured. According to Sanzo they were at the temple (when he had
asked the man had smacked him, muttering something about moronic monkeys) and
this was his master's room.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Tilting his head, Goku watched as the man closed the sliding door behind
him. The image of an outer hallway flickered momentarily before fading to black
just before the door shut. Goku pretended not to notice, grinning impishly and
saying the first thing that came to mind.
"What do you think?"
The man's eyes narrowed. "I think," he
said dangerously, "that you're going to regret living if you don't get off
my bed."
"Why should I get off?" Goku enjoyed playful banter like this.
"There's plenty of room for both of us." To make his point clearer he
hitched further back on the mattress, wiggling on the blankets just to taunt
Sanzo. By now he was used to not being able to feel the blankets. Strangely
enough, Sanzo never seemed to, either, but he never commented on it. That made
Goku suspicious that the man was, on some level, fully aware that he was
dreaming. Perhaps he was trying to hide it.
"Don't be stupid," Sanzo snapped, advancing on the boy. "Get
off the bed."
Raising an eyebrow, Goku met Sanzo's challenging
stare with one of his own. Feeling slightly bolder in the man's dreams than he
ever had in real life, he spoke calmly. "Make me."
With a soft growl not entirely of annoyance, Sanzo took him up on the
challenge and proceeded to do just that—starting by pushing the boy against the
mattress and removing his shirt.
[~:.:~]
What hurt most was that he knew it was his fault Sanzo was still in a coma.
Goku wasn't sure exactly how it worked, but he knew enough. His presence in Sanzo's mind, invading the man's dreams -- no, he wasn't
invading if Sanzo had invited him, which he had -- and ultimately his private
thoughts and wishes, that was what kept Sanzo from waking up. He had tricked
himself into believing in his make-believe world.
And Goku didn't want to tell him otherwise. However, six months of the game
only made Sanzo's physical body grow weaker. He was
going to die at this rate.
Goku wanted Sanzo. But he didn't want him to die.
It was the hardest decision he could ever remember making; even harder than
choosing between his favorite dishes at a restaurant. However, Sanzo's life was at stake-- and his pride. Goku knew he
wouldn't want to die in a coma, and especially not while eluding reality with
dreams.
Experience with the man told him directness wouldn't work. So Goku decided
to be as round-about as he could. He decided to wait for the perfect
opportunity to bring their situation to light.
The opportunity came all too soon.
Goku let himself flow with things as he normally would, soothing his lover
after a nightmare, getting him water, and easing Sanzo's
conscience by reminiscing.
It was too hard to speak when the time came, so his voice came out
strangled. "I like this, Sanzo," he said, nearly choking on the
words. Had he been in a physical body, he might have even felt tears stinging
his eyes. Then again, if he'd had a physical body, neither of them would be in
this pathetic situation. Mustering up a smile, he continued, "I'm going to
miss it."
Sanzo reacted with fear-induced defensiveness, which slowly gave into panic.
While it was hard to try to explain things to the man, nothing was worse than
his final question.
"Where are you going?"
Despite being in Sanzo's psyche, he could feel his
mother's calling again. Goku shrugged, murmuring an answer, and then he kissed
his savior. It was bittersweet contact, and it took more willpower than he
wanted to admit to back off. From the look on Sanzo's
face, he knew the man felt the same.
He didn't want to leave. Sanzo was going to be alone when he woke, and Goku
hated that. Sure, he would have Hakkai and Gojyo, but they were only Sanzo's friends. He didn't like downplaying their roles
like that, but that was really all they could be to him. Goku knew. He had
explored Sanzo's emotions and thoughts through his
dreams, understood him more intimately than he had ever dreamed he could.
Gods, he didn't want to leave the man like this. Sanzo could be reborn, but
what of him? He was a child of Mother Earth. She was selfish. She might not let
him return to the surface, ever; not after she had him within her womb again.
This time when Sanzo disappeared, he woke completely. Goku lost whatever
weak hold he had left. Against his will, but with no other choice, he returned
to the Earth.
[~:.:~]
[~owari~]