[Generic Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all the affiliated
characters are copyright to Kazuya Minekura. No profit has or will be made off
of this fiction.]
===
~We Are Beyond~
Summary:
(39) Goku persists in
forcing Sanzo out of his silent world one rainy night, and pushes things too
far.
Warnings:
PG-13
===
The rain fell mercilessly. Every single muscle in Sanzo’s body was bunched
up and tense, the silent stop stop stop an almost subconscious mantra in
his mind with all the thunderous patter outside. He had turned off the lights
as soon as he saw the first drops fall, never one to kid himself. If I live
in the dark, I’ll sit in the dark. He would not pretend his world was
normal.
And If I look behind...Would he see Koumyo’s body lying on the
ground, his string of beads entwined in his lifeless fingers? The gods seemed
devilish enough to try it. Sanzo’s arms tightened painfully around his knees.
He would not look around.
“Sanzo?” Goku’s voice, as sharp as five people speaking no matter how hard
he tried to keep it to a whisper, shocked Sanzo’s heart into rapid beating. The
only evidence of his reaction was a slight shift in his body, a spasm so slight
that it would pass even Hakkai unnoticed. Sanzo had always excelled in reining
his emotions in. But a coldness had spread through his body.
“Leave me alone.” Sanzo gritted out, angry at himself for letting Goku
surprise him like that. His was a selfish grief. The pain created a solitude of
its own, a desire for isolation so great and possessive that anyone who came
into its sphere made Sanzo feel…almost embarrassed. Shy. No one can see me
like this. Don’t you dare look at me.
Goku took a wary step back, oh you’ve learned a little I see, and his
voice was smaller when he spoke. “I…I brought you canned peaches. And beer.
And…” Sanzo could feel his hesitation. “Cigarettes.”
Sanzo actually looked at him this time. Goku had surprised him again. This
creature. Now a blood-thirsty monster, now a shrunken miserable toddler. Now
pleading with him to quit smoking, now offering him cigarettes with a shaky
hand. He would never need sex, never need a kiss, or even a hug. Only a pat on
the head. That was all Goku asked for, that simple touch which said I care
for you and don’t concern yourself with it. Just Sanzo’s hand
on his hair. Better than food. Better than nirvana. Better than life. And Goku
loved life.
“I don’t want them.” Goku’s face fell. Yes, nothing you do will please me.
When are you going to stop trying? How long until you’ve had enough? Sanzo’s
curiousity was genuine, as was his wash of guilt and disgust. Who do I have
to hold onto?
Sanzo decided to ignore him. He closed his eyes and willed the sound of the
rain away. Immediately, images came to him unbidden. Autumn. Red leaves
falling. A younger boy than he is now. And behind that tree a man…
Be strong, Genjyo Sanzo.
He didn’t want to remember that.
Genjyo Sanzo…
“Sanzo?” That voice again. That irritating, childish voice of a boy
who would never grow up. Who would never understand despite all his efforts to
please. Why does he cling on to me like this?
“Sanzo,” Shut up “Why…do you…don’t you want the lights on?” Goku
asked softly. Sanzo glared at him. Idiot. If he was so afraid, why was he still
here? Why couldn’t he just go away? The sun would rise tomorrow; couldn’t he at
least give him the privacy he knew he needed today? Didn’t he even understand
that much about him?
“You don’t know me at all. Don’t touch them. Get out of here.” Sanzo’s anger
developed a tinge of desperation. Why did Goku keep on doing this? He would
never learn. The boy was too stubborn to accept that forcing his way into
Sanzo’s life would only mean pushing him further away. He just wanted to be
left alone. This was his and Koumyo’s. This grief was not Goku’s. It was
autumn, it was night, he had placed his beads in Shuuei’s hands and he was
walking to his master’s room and nightmare nightmare it was too late please...
“Get out.” Before I beg you or kill you, please get out.
Goku’s quiet reply didn’t register in Sanzo’s mind at first. A few seconds
went by before Sanzo carefully raised his head. “What did you say?” Goku’s
mouth parted in nervousness at his poisonous tone but he stood upright.
“I said no.” Goku’s fists were clenched. “I’m not letting you do this to me
again.” And of what you are doing to me? “I’m not leaving this room
until –” His mouth set in a determined line.
Until I do something, anything that doesn’t involve me forcing you to leave.
I see. Sanzo’s breaths were coming faster. If that is what you want…
“Sanzo!”
In one vicious attack, Goku was pinned to the wall under Sanzo’s weight. His
wrists struggled to free themselves and every time they twisted in Sanzo’s grip
he would wrench them hard. He bloody wanted to pull them off. Teach you a
lesson…He stamped on Goku’s feet and pressed him into the wall, feeling a
savage satisfaction at the look of pain on the boy’s face. No complaints, not a
sound.
“Open your eyes.” Sanzo commanded him. Teary golden eyes immediately stared
back at him. “Why don’t you hit me?” Give me something!
Instead of answering, Goku tried to force him off of him and Sanzo slammed
him back against the wall in response. “Answer me!”
“Sanzo…” Goku wouldn’t even look at him anymore. Afraid or…He mumbled
something inaudible.
“Speak. Louder.” Sanzo hissed, letting go of Goku’s right wrist to force his
chin up until they were nose to nose.
I am closer to you now than I have ever been to anyone…I wouldn’t touch
anyone else.
“I said I don’t mind.” Goku said softly, his voice shrill with tears. He
turned his face to the side. “I don’t mind.”
See. Now. Here. Goku.
Sanzo had taken Goku from his enclosed cell into the open. And now Goku
pulled him from the past and brought him into the present. Now Goku here
crying. Pushing himself back against the wall as if he was hoping he’d fall
right through it. Sanzo’s mind was suddenly full of Goku, he could think of
nothing else. And when he looked, his eyes beheld, sought after only Goku. He
was the only person in the world now, and Sanzo knew he had hurt him badly, and
felt…
Warm. Spiky brown hair tickled his chin. Small fingers curled against
his neck. Warmth from head to toe. Goku was hugging him. No. Goku
was...resting. Sanzo could hear his ragged breaths, his quiet relieved gasps a
whole other kind of sobbing. The boy’s body was surprisingly heavy against his.
They were both mentally exhausted. If Sanzo let go, they would both fall.
“It’s okay. Sanzo? It’s okay.”
Is it? I’ll believe you then. Sanzo closed his eyes. The warmth was
gradually making Sanzo hot. He tolerated it for a moment more, let me rest
for just awhile more, before releasing Goku. Cold.
The boy looked up into his eyes. He knew Sanzo regretted hurting him, knew
that he would never do it again. Sanzo let touch speak for him. Goku’s hair was
soft under his fingers. He could tell Goku wanted to close his eyes, but the
boy fought off his languor and continued to stare at him. This boy…if it
weren’t for him, Sanzo would never have to feel at all. He moved his face
closer to Goku’s as if leaning in for a kiss, but he wasn’t intending to kiss
him and his lips stopped just short of Goku’s. Without you I would never
feel…Sanzo opened his lips slightly, inhaled and released short, shallow
breaths, their mouths almost touching but never doing so. Goku’s breath a hot
whisper against his lips. I feel and I am sorrier than I can ever
say.
And Goku understood.
[~:.:~]
[~owari~]